I am…

Fill in my strengths. As part of the healing process, I am supposed to be practicing self-love through affirmations but my mind goes blank.

I can describe the strengths I see in my Love, our children, and my chosen ones without pausing for breath. But when it comes to describing myself, my mind goes blank or on my bad days goes to my many (some days never ending) flaws.

When I have shared this sentiment with my chosen ones, they tell me wonderful things about myself and I feel their love for me. Why can’t I see this for myself? Have I truly been conditioned to not see myself as being valuable and worthy of love? As one of God’s children, why this is hard for me to do for myself?

At some point in life, I believe that I forgot how to shower myself with love. I have been busy with taking care of children, being a wife, learning to stand alone, being a child to aging parents, being an employee and handling all that life has thrown at me. So busy with others and life, that I believe that I simply forgot how to express love for me.

As I am grieving the loss of my father and blending two families together, I am searching to find the right affirmations that will help me heal and find the right path for our tribe.

We are often told, it’s none of your business what others think of you. This isn’t necessarily true. In dark times, we need to hear from the angels (our chosen ones) that God has put in our lives.

I asked my chosen ones from different parts of my life for one postive thing about me with no further explanation. (Apparently I only have 2 friends who follows directions but I know it is all out of love for me.) Some of their responses…

From AP,

“Lady, you are tenacious. You go after what you want with all your heart, and you protect those you love with all your strength.”

From AA,

“You are a great listener.
You protect those around you.
You are honest.
You are trusting.
You are strong. ”

From TG,

” No matter how old or professional you are….you have the heart of a goofball! You may not instigate it, but if the opportunity arises…..😊

So not a bad thing! It is heartwarming and endearing.I hope life never takes that from you. At your core, it shows a resilience.”

From CH,

“you’re VERY caring about people. You’re giving of…you, your time, your home ”

From DW,

Good friend

From SH,

“You are organized you are thoughtful you are a good mother. You are good with finances. You are a good friend. You are a Christian You are a good daughter. You are smart. You are a good tennis player. You are fun to be with. You can be witchy when necessary. You open your heart to others. You are a good social chairman you are a good driver. You can be spontaneous .”

From EV,

“1. You make an effort to keep in touch with people
2. You throw a hell of a birthday party
3. You have amazing children
4. You have a fabulous gift of hospitality/- your door is always open
5. You are a good cook”

From SW,

“You care very very deeply for those that you love!

You are kind

You are smart

You are a ton of fun and you make me laugh

You work hard

You are open to tying new things and are adventurous

You don’t gossip”

From MT,

“You are such a wonderful woman with a kind heart. I don’t know what I would have done without you when I was going through all my crap. You are so thoughtful and put everyone else first. Also one of the smartest tech savy peep I know.”

These messages mean the world to me in my time of need. They affirm that I am living up to God’s plan. I am using the blessings that He has bestowed on me even though I was not seeing it. Although I am human and so very flawed, I am making a difference to others. I am grateful for and humbled by what my chosen ones have shared with me. Their messages made me smile with love for them, laugh at inside stories and shed an occasional tear at their sweetness for noticing little things that I consider part of daily life. This reminded me why they are my chosen ones.

Most of all, I am reminded that I am loved even with my flaws! Now it is time to pray that I see me as they clearly as they do.

New Adventures

I started out my adult life with a plan. It was perfect in every way. I had graduated college and was head over heels in love for the first time. He was still in college but as soon as he was done we would get married and live happily ever after. Well… we did marry after he graduated but sadly, happily ever after didn’t happen for us.

This isn’t a blog about what went wrong and trust me, there was plenty on both sides. This is about being blessed by 2nd chances and life’s new adventures. There are good days and downright horrendous, am I ever going to recover from these days? The answer is yes, you will. God is great and has your back!

A little about our life… I met a wonderful man about 2 years ago and am blessed by my 2nd chance.  I made him chase me around a bit, quite a bit as a matter of fact. I love his patience and persistence. I was gun shy from round 1, if you know what I mean.  He says that he knew that I was the one for him from the get-go. My sometimes cynical self needed some more time to figure it out.  He makes me smile and laugh every day and thinks that my flawed self is beautiful, no matter what.  He adds to my hard won happy and I to his. 

Fast forward to July 2108, we married barefoot on the beach with just our immediate family.  Now my tribe has expanded from 2 teenagers plus Nana to my Love, 7 kids combined, a daughter-in-law, a grandson and of course a Nana.  No, everyone doesn’t live with us.  We have primary custody for 2 boys, Big Guy and Raiden and 1 girl, Birdie- all teenagers plus live with a mostly patient Nana (God bless her, this isn’t what she signed up for!).  Boo girl also a teenager lives primarily with her Mom.  The remainder of the tribe come visit from time to time. Thankful that God had given our hearts infinite capacity for love and patience!!!  Blended familes are wonderful, sometimes trying but always an adventure.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I had such high hopes. It was my first married one with my Love. Again me with a plan, I really need to learn that God has a plan and I need to let go. (So you should know that I’ve always been a planner and a people pleaser. I want things to be perfect so everyone enjoys themselves. When truly most people really are happy to get together and just be. But I digress…)

The day starts out with beautiful flowers and the sweetest card. He melts my heart daily.  There is never doubt of his love for me and not just on special days.

Then ex-spouse drama starts for the day. Praying for peace and them to let go of the small stuff. Does it really matter? I have to remind myself of this.  It’s so easy to get sucked into the negativity.  Will it really matter in 5 years? Throughout the day, escalation of drama. Only thing I can do is support my husband and pray, lots of praying.  Leave work early to go to my Big Guy’s high school tennis match with a neighbor and her boy. Make sure Nana has my Birdie and my Love’s boy covered. My Love is trying to work as the crazy keeps climbing. He goes to pick up Boo girl and gets into a car accident. Thankfully he’s okay. God was watching out for him. The vehicle is a bit dinged up and he’s two hours late to pick her up. The former spouse was already causing problems but by this time police intervention is required to get Boo girl. (This is a first. Praying for cool heads on all parties.) Finally he arrives at home with her and she’s mad, not speaking, doesn’t want to be here. My Love is distraught.

Long story short, his former made promises of fun weekend to a moody, hormonal 13 year old struggling teenage girl without talking to him and he said no, since we have family plans out of town (my Dad’s Memorial service).  He’s the bad guy for her not following the parenting plan that she committed to. She isn’t supposed to make plans on his weekend without asking him for permission first but it doesn’t always work this way.

Trying to end the day on a positive note for all, we gave treats and had ice cream.  Boo girl declined. My heart is broken for her since she is being used as a pawn by her Mom (that’s all I will say on this topic, feel free to read between the lines).  

Reminded me that the adventure isn’t always easy. I don’t know what God’s plan is for us but there is a lesson to be learned. Celebrate love every day especially on the hard days. And pray, pray hard.